The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
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You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
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I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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