I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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