why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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