everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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