and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
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When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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