I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
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She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
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The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
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