I think I won the penis lottery.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
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