Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
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