4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
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i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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