I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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