I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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