If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
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Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
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Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
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