I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Randomize
