At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
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In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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