I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Randomize
