Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The adults are the big ones right?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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