Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I supernannyed him into submission
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
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