I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
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