Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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