Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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