I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
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Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
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11/10 would buy him a McLobster
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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