I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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