did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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