then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize