My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
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being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
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I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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