So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
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I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
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the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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