i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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