I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize