Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
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Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
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How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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