Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
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You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
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Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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