I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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