yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
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defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
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I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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