so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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