birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
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you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
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Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things ππ
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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