Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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