I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
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I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
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Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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