what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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