My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
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Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
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Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
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