I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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