Got a toothbrush?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
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