Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
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He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
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And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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