Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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