I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
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I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
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Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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