Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
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Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
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Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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