FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
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As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
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Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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