last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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