If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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