I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
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I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
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How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
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