Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize