dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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